I tried to speak with a golden tongue
And it failed to make a difference
So I lashed out with fierce words
But that couldn’t earn me any reverence
Against my nature, I could turn violent
If it only budged you an inch
Guess I’ll just be, forever, silent
Inch by inch, everything’s a cinch!

It has been long since I wrote something. The length measured not by the amount of time that has gone by between the last and the current post but by the amount of comfort and nurturing that is provided by self-expression, the highest of all expressions. There has been none.

I have tried a few times to come back and write both here saving half-written posts in drafts and in my mind where things don’t stay but they don’t leave either. I cannot find a way to express mys-elf right now. Not to people around me, not here, and not even to mys-elf.

Understand that silence does not always mean that there is nothing to be said. It often can mean that there is more to be said than can actually be said, sometimes due to fears of our own and other times due to the lack of understanding and an earnest ear to hear it. I shall be back again when I’ve found a better outlet. Till then, I am withdrawing mys-elf from this.

One of my favourite Batman movies, Batman Begins has the quote:

 

 

And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Thomas Wayne asks this question to his young lad, who was to one day grow up to become a vigilante, a hero and perhaps more than that. Behind that mask, that Bruce would wear for the rest of his life fighting criminals during the nights, hid the face of a man who had grown up to become more than what he ever was to. Inside him was the same boy who was still afraid of bats. But he had learned how to tame his fear and use it in his favour instead of letting it work against him.

Had he never fallen in to that hole filled with bats, would he have ever gone this close to having his fears materialized? And had that not happened, would he be the fearless fighter that he was? I doubt so. That was just a movie and it was based on just a fictional superhero comic series. But the lesson was and is nonetheless worth learning.

I’ve been going through things that I’ve never thought I’d have needed to face ever. And that is the reason why I never gave it a thought or had any practice in handling it. They say everything happens at the right time. I don’t know “them” but I want to believe what they say for it seems true. The thing to remember always is that whenever we fall, it is our responsibility to take it as a sign and learn to grow from that experience. Otherwise life will have no choice but to make us fall somewhere else. We will fall in a different hole, hurt ourselves at different places, but the lesson will remain the same.

“In life there are no co-incidences”, used to say my shero Linda Goodman and I choose to believe her. And if everything is there for a reason, does it not make sense to not fight things and just accept them as they are? A person who does not know how to swim sometimes in trying to save himself from drowning, ends up making it difficult for him to be saved when he just keeps flapping his arms and legs. When I learned swimming, I learned to trust my body to come up and float automatically when I trusted it to do that and just let go of any control. That is the secret. And it’s not that difficult to trust either. You just have to accept the fact that there are things which you can’t understand but you have to accept them anyway.

When I say all this, I don’t really know who it is that I am talking to. Sometimes it seems like I am talking to my imaginary friend, other times as if I was talking to myself in the mirror. Even other times, I feel like I am sending out a message for someone in need and going through the same situation I am right now. We might not know each other or our situation, but the lesson and the wisdom in it connects us.

I have to learn: When things don’t go my way, they need to be some other way and I’ve to accept it. The more I fight, the more I’ll drown myself.

Listen to the song and prepare to feel the message.

I just came back home. I’ve been out all night. I had gone to visit my brother to talk to him about myself. I can hardly remember a time when I went to him for any kind of advice or help. But this one, I needed. So I didn’t think, didn’t tell anyone and just left. It was about midnight then.

After having talked to him for a while, it was time to come back home even though I wasn’t sure I got what I was looking for. But then a friend called to tell me he was out somewhere and had an accident. A seemingly minor one but it caused him a fracture in the leg which made it difficult for him to even move it.

We spent about an hour asking people and finding a hospital somewhere in the town. We found two. One was closed. The other one had no doctor and when I insisted, the nurse called one but he said he couldn’t come and we’d have to be back in the morning. There seemed no way but to go to a chemist and get a painkiller at least. Although I am against the use of drugs this way (I’d prefer if a professional actually prescribed something, but even then I am not very convinced of it always), he really needed something to put him to rest till the morning at least.

Something told me to prevent him from taking the medicines we’d just gotten and wait for some time. I still had hope and not very far from where we were, we did find a hospital which was not just open 24×7 but had a doctor available as well. Funnily, as life can always be, that hospital is just across the road from where my apartment building is! I had checked it once while coming here but the doors seemed locked and there was no sign of a light inside turned on. And this time, I still tried knocking and very pleasantly, a nurse opened and she smiled & nodded when I asked her if a doctor was available. I realized then that we should never hesitate to try or ask for something. I always try to tell this to myself but never really follow it. I am going to try to remember it from now on. An effort wasted is better than a step withheld in doubt or assumption.

The doctor did the usual check-up, gave him medicines and after the usual form-filling and payment ritual, I left him to sleep with an assurance that I’d be back in a couple of hours when the sun would have risen. It is after all only 15 steps away from my place and he has no one else there for him right now.

I came back, freshened up and made myself a cup of tea. I knew I couldn’t rest for a few minutes too because if I sleep, I’d not wake up till the evening. So here I am trying to write this in my journal and trying to keep myself up. I met a friend online before I had even begun typing this. We talked for a while and it was an interesting conversation. She has cancer and she’s one of the most optimistic people I’ve seen in a while. Although she won’t be dying anytime soon (not out of cancer anyway, knock on wood!), her life has turned upside down, to put it mildly. Somehow, she manages to get a lot of inspiration from somewhere and also passes it on. Sometimes, even without knowing it herself. 🙂

The ticking never stops.

The empty cup rests besides me on a stool and the taste of tea still remains with the slight fragrance that put me to rest a while ago. The clock in the room shows the only time it is capable of showing but the pendulum keeps swinging. It’s a symbol of stillness when we keep on moving through life so fast. Four people, since yesterday, have either directly told me or given me the impression that they are busy and would rather not be bothered. I shall let them be and not complain. But I make one promise to myself- whenever someone I love wants me around, I’d lose a month’s hard-earned fortune, if that’s what it would take, but be there for them. And I called someone to tell exactly that. Someone I feel something for but have no way of expressing. And I feel like a fool when I run after her like a dog chasing a running car, when it’s certain it would never be able to catch it. If the dog could, however, read the bumper sticker on the car, he’d never give up, for it says “Keep hope alive…it’s the only way you can smile always!!!!”

I don’t believe in time. I try not to let it overburden my life. It’s not easy, but I believe if I try, I’ll manage to find the bliss that lies in what they call the “eternal now”.

I’ve unsaid and unacknowledged desires. And there are times when they become overbearing.

I imagine a kid who has no worries about life and lives in the moment. I envy kids for they are able to do it very easily. I have thought of so many times that I’ve done things I now regard as silly and unnecessary. And most of them have been things that somehow had something to do with my future desires. I want a better house, better clothes, better phone, better everything! There’s nothing wrong with wanting. Or is there? Now if I do everything to make sure that I will have a better house in the future, what happens to the current place that I live in? Even though the house I fancy would seem more important to me, is it really more important than the place that is providing me shelter presently? The house of my dreams doesn’t even exist! So how can I consider it more important than the one that does exist and is actually the one where I lay in comfort imagining better things.

I think I need to learn this ability to live in the present from a child. A child who does not care how many chocolates he’ll have left for the night if he craves for them now and eats them all from the refrigerator. A child who, when is with you, enjoys your company as long as you are there even though he’s aware that you might leave soon and he’ll miss you badly. A child who is not afraid to show either his affection or dislike for you in words and in actions too, for he doesn’t think that liking makes him vulnerable to hurt and disliking necessarily makes him bad. A child who will love you for who you are and even complain about what you are not. But still love you.

I shall be that child who will have his chocolates today. Tomorrow will matter only when it becomes today.

I like to have a specific purpose for everything that I do. And I did so with this blog too. But as time went by, it got lost somewhere. For some time, I even forgot it existed. There are always things that we take up in high spirits, when they seem nice and fun to do. And I don’t do anything unless I am doing it in high spirits. But when the excitement has ended and the fun is gone, the purpose we began it with either seems to have disappeared or be replaced with another one. But like old friends, if it was really meaningful and we really needed it, it comes back to us. It means something to me and I do need it. And so, I am making a commitment to not only keep it alive but also to give it more time than I have done before. A lot more.

The value and importance of having a purpose is also reflected in our day-to-day relationships with people. However, that goes unnoticed, or is even avoided many times. We are friends with so many people that we have no time to spend to decide why we connect with each one of them. It seems like a silly thing to do to many of us. And that is why when someone is about to leave us, we begin to understand their value more in our life. Because that is the time we, not out of choice but force, begin to think about what purpose that person had in our life. We hardly are aware that had we done that before, the need for that person to leave would never have arrived.

Or it can be a little less dramatic. We have a fight or even a small argument with someone. And like most fights, at the most fundamental level, it’s purpose is to prove that we are right no matter what it might seem on the surface. At that point, if you stop for a moment, zoom out of how you are currently watching the situation, look at it from a third person’s perspective, you begin to realize how silly it is. Silly and unnecessary. And for that to happen, you need to be clear about your purpose for being with that person. Is he/she someone you work with and you need to have a co-operative relation with? Is he/she a friend that you value and you can’t afford to hurt? Is he/she someone you love and well, that’s enough for a purpose, isn’t it? Only when you are consciously aware of and very clear about this, can you begin to view things from a different perspective than you always did.

A wise teacher taught me this sometime ago, that we are neither totally right nor totally wrong ever in a fight with someone. But we all like to think we are right, don’t we? Sometimes so much so that we may risk losing someone we love rather than admit being wrong. And all that, no matter who is more wrong, we or the other person. The funny thing here is that it does not even matter. Being right or wrong is not even what we need to be. If we had our purpose clear and we remembered it, we’d understand that we love them despite their wrongs. It might not even be wrong in their eyes at times, so what? Would we rather have a friend with things that we don’t like very much or be alone altogether? And no matter how many friends we have, losing one still makes us lonely, doesn’t it?

I make a promise to myself today. To remember the purpose I am with anyone before reacting to anything they do that arouses me. Because I loved them for a reason. And that is more important than anything else.

People come and people go. Anyone who thinks someone can stay for life is a fool. And anyone who tries to keep people is a bigger fool. We are all free spirits and we like to come and go.

It is not great wisdom to understand that people change with time and so do their needs, but common sense. And he who tries to control it will suffer. For bliss lies in acceptance and not in resistance.

I like to believe that I am man with high standards, both when it comes to things and people alike. What that means is that I have clear boundaries in my head and that I know what I want from people. And at the most fundamental level, that is a wonderful thing. I set my boundaries and you set yours. If we respect that, we are friends. SImple. That is, however, only one side of the spectrum.The other side being understanding and forgiving other people’s faults.People who just have high standards and cannot tolerate much are on one extreme, like I have been for a while now. They turn out to be too fixed in their ways and seem arrogant to others. People on the other extreme seem like saints, forgiving everyone for everything. Of course, not many people exist here you might believe. But if you try to look around, you’ll find many who follow such a thing. People who take everything from others, the good and the shit, and never complain. Wisdom lies in knowing about the spectrum and your position on it. And then being able to turn the knob ever so slightly to adjust according to the situation.There is no right way to deal with any situation we face. There is no wrong way either. Understanding how much of a boundary we need to have our standards met and how much we are willing to compromise on it for the limitations of the others leads to fulfillment.

All this wisdom comes to me through a friend, who due to her own limitations had done things that made her fall short of my expectations. What seemed right to me then, to let her go owing to my disappointment, seems now something that could have been avoided. But it needed to happen. Remember that everything has a reason. When she came back a couple of days ago, I didn’t think twice before talking with her. A lot had changed since the last we talked. The problems had dealt with themselves, so to say. I felt no need to express my disappointment for what was done long ago even when it was never displayed clearly before. She felt no need to apologize. There was not a reason to go back to even discuss the past. Not one. She came to me with some news that was favourable for me. And I took it as a sign, which calls for a different post which will follow this one very soon. Within a minute of talking, it felt like nothing had really changed. And really, nothing had.

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

John, 8:7 (KJV)

How can I not forgive someone and still consider myself worthy of forgiveness when I do something wrong? How can I not understand and expect to be understood? How can I not offer love and respect and expect to receive it?