When you wake up guessing the tune that was Isn’t it Romantic and find yourself humming Moonriver.
Some people do. Others make people believe they’ve done.
I’ve always held a high regard for one of the greatest scientists this planet has ever seen. He was like the Batman. In that, he was more than just a scientist. He invented things and tried to make this world a better place and never bothered about his reputation. I first read about his real story in a Linda Goodman book and then, he was everywhere. I think the world owes him a word of gratitude, if not anything more.
It is not what I am underneath that matters but what I do that defines me.
I speak less and less
As time goes by
Further you move
With anything that I try
A step closer if I take
You go back a dozen
If I smile, you smile
But there’s no warmth in it
And when I go away
You don’t miss me a bit
It pains me much to see this die
Before my very eyes
And when it dies
If no one cries
It will not surprise me
For I’ve had it once
And I’ve had it more
And I am anything
This will end
When it has to
Today there’s us
Tomorrow, there will be
me and you.
Who am I to forgive you,
And for what?
For wanting to be happy?
Or for bringing us to naught?
How can you believe that I hate you!
When I promised forever, and otherwise?
You must be a fool, my dear
To not see it in my weary eyes.
Fun and laughter, before and after,
Sought and found, both smiles and cries
What would be 90 days against eternity!
Oh! in love, a moment does suffice.
Days pass by like minutes. I don’t realize when it’s over and a new cycle of sunrise and sunset follows. It’s meaningless and trivial to know anyway but lately, it has caused people around me some troubles. I’ve been late many times and I’ve procrastinated much.
When I drink coffee or tea, it has to be hot. My throat needs to feel the heat inside. Otherwise, it is like I never had anything.
The computer has become nothing but a tool. Entertainment has the highest priority with which I have no particular problem but it should not be hogging all my time.
Practicing the guitar does not come to mind when I feel bored and am sitting idle. And when I am with someone and doing something, a side look at it lying there makes me feel guilty.
Books, I try to read but they make me fall asleep. During the day or the night. There’s no difference. I have not been able to read anything for more than 30 minutes without feeling the urge to sleep. At times I’ve given in and slept but I have learnt how to ignore it too. But the reading cannot be continued after that.
The dream phase is here again. I can again remember my dreams. They are not as bizarre as they have been before but they still lack meaning. There is again a blank face there. It’s confusing and frustrating. So I tend not to think much of it during the day. And I forget about it in a day or two. But I want to document everything.
Material desires have been very overwhelming. I have things and I want things. But what I really need is peace. And some love. I need to be pushed. I need to be kicked. I need to be made aware of mys-elf.
I talked to her again. I’d have hardly imagined anything going right, but it was wonderful.
I’ve been putting things off quite a lot lately. My friends don’t complain when I do. But I know that I need not test their patience.
I have to learn to find balance between giving in love and desiring in love. It’s all topsy-turvy. I cannot accept the apology. But I cannot fail to be empathetic either.
I have not written long emails in a long time. Sigh.
Somewhere between the totally subconscious state of free association writing and the completely conscious process of drafting-writing-editing, this is written.
P.S. I dwell on promises made to me and assurances given too. Is it wrong to expect a person to fulfill what they promised even if currently they are not very capable of doing it? I wonder what’s the point of a promise then.
I am silent. I am patient. I am loving and I am not mean. I am away but I am here.
Oh Cathy, why won’t you come to me?
I wait for you, and I’ve waited an eternity.
I breathe and live only to see your face once more
Once! before I die and lay in earth with you at peace.
Haunt me! Drive me mad! Take any form but come to me!
Take me with you, only do not leave me in this abyss
Where I cannot find you; where there’s not a single joy for me.
I shall live, die and not utter a sigh, if you were to come back, only to say good bye.
Oh Cathy! You were my only joy on earth and I ask not for more,
Don’t find me unsuitable to be with, now that you’re no more!
Talk to me and let me hear that alluring voice again
Say my name, oh for once, and ease me of all my pain
Come hither dear Cathy, my love,
Come from the land beneath or the sky above!
Bring me not joy or peace, for they mean not a thing to me,
Just come to me, you’re all I wish to see.
My body aches from the pain of revenge and sullenness,
And my soul longs to unite with it’s other-half.
I forgave my murderer but yours I could not!
Come, if only to seek revenge, it’s better than naught!
Your soul shall not rest in peace for a moment
While I shall live, and I’ll keep summoning you,
In hopes to save me from myself, from this life I so loathe.
Come once Cathy! Either murder me or give me the will of a life anew!
Written from the point of view of Heathcliff who cannot bear the separation from his other half, Cathy. He longs to see her again after she’s gone and imagines the time when she died.
When I was a kid, I read something in an article that one of my teachers gave me and it stuck in my mind. It’s one of those things that you learn as a kid and they stay with you for life. It said,
People come in to your life for a season, and for a reason.
It takes time and for many people even years to understand this simple, basic fact of life. That is why no matter how many friends you might have fallen apart with or how many break-ups you might have had, when the next one follows, you feel exactly like you felt when the first one happened – confused and frustrated. If we all knew and accepted this from the beginning, it will give the relationship, personal or business, a whole new perspective.
When some people leave you or it so happens that you have to leave them, instead of thinking “what went wrong”, it sometimes helps if you think, “what did I get to learn from this experience with him/her”. But it’s not always easy because it’s not always very obvious. Sometimes it requires you to dig deep in to your psyche, look at yourself from a different perspective, try to uncover things that lie deep within hidden because you’ve found no reason yet to pry them up. And it takes time. But if you are firm in your quest and patient with the results, you’ll have the epiphany you’re looking for.
I had mine before the sun set yesterday. The setting of the sun is such a symbolic event. It signifies that you must slow down, stop doing what you’ve been doing all day and decide to take some rest. With the rest comes the contemplation that is necessary to help you begin your day again when the sun will rise. The darkness that it causes hides everything that lies far in the horizon and lets you look at what’s up close, so you can focus. That is necessary because we look so much in to the future waiting for it anxiously that we fail to see what’s here already and fail to acknowledge it at times, let alone appreciate it. It’s easier for many of us, like myself, because it lets you feel like you can ignore all your vices today and hope for a better future. We think we can become better versions of ourselves if we leave all the bad things about us behind and become what the future wants us to. What we don’t realize is we can’t leave anything behind unless we actually accept and acknowledge that it exists. Good or bad, what’s in you is you and what you do is you. You can never run away from that. The only way to find peace with it is to acknowledge it, accept it and try to understand what needs to be done to better it.
I’ve been accused a million times for being selfish. And rightly so. I never denied being one but that should not mean that I took pride in it. Picking the best for myself always when I am sharing something with someone was my habit. I always needed to be taken care of first before I can take care of you. My needs need to be fulfilled first or else yours will go unacknowledged. I say this because it’s all true, even at the risk of making an understatement. But that does not mean I was a prick. I’ve been helpful to people around me and pretty generous at times. But deep down inside me, I knew the only thing that mattered to me was me. About a year ago, I made a phone call one evening to talk to someone desperately because I was feeling down. It happens to all of us at times when we just want someone to understand how we are feeling and give it some time and get over it. Doesn’t it? What I was told, however, didn’t seem to be of any help to me at that time. I was told the reason that I was sad for was because I paid too much attention to what I wanted. I gave too much importance to myself. And that I should forget about myself for some time and try to make others around me happy. And I thought I couldn’t do that unless I was happy myself first. I still can’t. It’s just easy logic. If I have what I want and I am happy, I’d want to make others around me happy as well because it would make sense to me. But if I am not happy myself, how can I focus on others? It just does not seem palpable.
I guess sometimes we have to understand that happiness is not everything that we live for and that there’s something greater than achieving that. It’s so hard to put others first when you know you might never get a chance for yourself if you let them have this. It takes a lot of strength to still let them have it. And it becomes a lot easier if you love them. I guess love is the answer then.
I know it is.
It was Saturday when I was at SIES for an event. While coming back from there that evening, I felt a little nostalgic. Well, not just a little. I remember I was with my friend, Rahul, and we were having some interesting conversation and suddenly as I entered the station premises, something stuck in to me. I could feel it you know. Do you ever feel something when you go to places you’ve spent a lot of time in the past? I’ve heard about magnetic power points where intense emotions have occurred frequently for a long time. The environment drops, you see just what you saw in the past everywhere, you hear only what you are thinking and nothing else. I don’t think I need to explain. I hope you will understand.
I wanted to write a post yesterday on your birthday, Karen. I couldn’t.
It had something to do about me being grateful. For a lot of things.
If you search for “Rishi Talreja” on google, this essay that you wrote months ago shows up on the first page(8th in list). There’s another story associated with it. And there have been numerous conversations between the two of us which has led to many inspiring things. One particular being where we talked about how we can focus on a lot of things every day and still find time for our work. I”ll be writing a separate post on that later this week.
I wanted to discuss this and more in detail. But time went by and even today seems to be coming to an end. I couldn’t write it today morning. So, before this day ends, I wanted to write something to make me remember later. I’ve decided to do things more than planning to do things. And this is one such thing. I am too sleepy right now to continue.
Thanks. For a lot of things.
P.S. You still remind me of my childhood. #TimeTravel
Over the years, I’ve learned how to filter the noise and find signal among it. It has nothing to do with realtime or social media, I use the phrase for the lack of a better alternative. There are so many people who claim to be innovative, it seems like innovation has become a cliché itself. Continue reading
One of the most interesting movies I’ve ever seen is Before Sunset (A sequel to Before Sunrise, which is great too by the way). In the movie, Celine has this quote,
Memories are wonderful things, if you don’t have to deal with the past.
I found that very funny when I first heard it in the movie. And I’ve seen that movie many times. I don’t know if it was there in the movie just for fun or if it had a deeper meaning. It sure does for me now. Continue reading