Days pass by like minutes. I don’t realize when it’s over and a new cycle of sunrise and sunset follows. It’s meaningless and trivial to know anyway but lately, it has caused people around me some troubles. I’ve been late many times and I’ve procrastinated much.
When I drink coffee or tea, it has to be hot. My throat needs to feel the heat inside. Otherwise, it is like I never had anything.
The computer has become nothing but a tool. Entertainment has the highest priority with which I have no particular problem but it should not be hogging all my time.
Practicing the guitar does not come to mind when I feel bored and am sitting idle. And when I am with someone and doing something, a side look at it lying there makes me feel guilty.
Books, I try to read but they make me fall asleep. During the day or the night. There’s no difference. I have not been able to read anything for more than 30 minutes without feeling the urge to sleep. At times I’ve given in and slept but I have learnt how to ignore it too. But the reading cannot be continued after that.
The dream phase is here again. I can again remember my dreams. They are not as bizarre as they have been before but they still lack meaning. There is again a blank face there. It’s confusing and frustrating. So I tend not to think much of it during the day. And I forget about it in a day or two. But I want to document everything.
Material desires have been very overwhelming. I have things and I want things. But what I really need is peace. And some love. I need to be pushed. I need to be kicked. I need to be made aware of mys-elf.
I talked to her again. I’d have hardly imagined anything going right, but it was wonderful.
I’ve been putting things off quite a lot lately. My friends don’t complain when I do. But I know that I need not test their patience.
I have to learn to find balance between giving in love and desiring in love. It’s all topsy-turvy. I cannot accept the apology. But I cannot fail to be empathetic either.
I have not written long emails in a long time. Sigh.
Somewhere between the totally subconscious state of free association writing and the completely conscious process of drafting-writing-editing, this is written.
P.S. I dwell on promises made to me and assurances given too. Is it wrong to expect a person to fulfill what they promised even if currently they are not very capable of doing it? I wonder what’s the point of a promise then.