It was Saturday when I was at SIES for an event. While coming back from there that evening, I felt a little nostalgic. Well, not just a little. I remember I was with my friend, Rahul, and we were having some interesting conversation and suddenly as I entered the station premises, something stuck in to me. I could feel it you know. Do you ever feel something when you go to places you’ve spent a lot of time in the past? I’ve heard about magnetic power points where intense emotions have occurred frequently for a long time. The environment drops, you see just what you saw in the past everywhere, you hear only what you are thinking and nothing else. I don’t think I need to explain. I hope you will understand.
I’ve been sad since then. So sad that it actually started making me feel funny. I had a conversation with a friend who was trying to cheer me up by sending funny videos, which only got me annoyed. But what followed was a very interesting conversation. First of all, despite how hard it seemed, I confessed to that friend that I was sad that day. She was genuinely concerned and tried to soothe me. I was so sad it made me laugh. And I thought sleeping might make me feel better, because it usually does when I sleep for over 12 hours, but it didn’t. I was completely okay the other day. But the sadness was lurking in the back of my mind and I wasn’t ignoring it, I was just comfortable with it by now.
A year ago, minus three months, I made a mistake. And I’ve been punishing myself ever since. I was so ashamed of myself, and not of just what I did, that I was trying to hide my face by burying it deep in to the ground. I buried deeper and deeper for months. It was only yesterday that I realized that after a point, I was supposed to come out of the other side of the planet. It was only logical! And as soon as the realization hit me, I felt lighter. But I am careful not to overwhelm myself with joy. So I took it slow. And I thought may be I should try changing things one by one now. Things that I so comfortably was used to having/doing and things that I was so comfortably ignoring. Things that have had a symbolic meaning for me have to lose their value. I have to leave it all behind. I have to change someday, or like my guru-friend would say, “evolve”.